If not me, then who? Manisha Massey discusses childhood trauma in South Asian Women

Manisha Massey is a PhD Clinical Psychology Candidate from New Delhi, currently residing in Adelaide. Her professional  focus is mainly to understand how childhood trauma presents in the bodies and relationships of adult South Asian Women, with the aim of decolonising trauma therapy.

I was lucky enough to speak with Manisha to learn more about who she is, and what’s important to her! Before we got into discussing her work, I asked her about something we can all connect on – food! 

When asked about the food she associates the happiest memories with, she said she is up for trying almost anything! The best memories come when thinking of her mum’s mutton curry, spicy, delicious, and always better the next day. The second dish she shared was her fiance’s carbonara, which he (deservedly) bragged about on their second date. 7 years later, it still leaves a smile on her face, which we love! 

I also asked Manisha about the media she loves. So much of what we learn, process, aspire to or are impacted by comes from what we consume, and Manisha had a lot of favourites, a solid tie between music-books-tv shows-films. A good song with raw emotions which can stop her in her tracks, Matt Haigh’s “The Midnight Library”, and the Grey’s Anatomy episode where all the female staff lined up in solidarity for the patient who was sexually assaulted. She also mentioned Thappad, “possibly been one of the most beautiful films made in our lifetime highlighting how unnegotiable power-imbalance in a marriage should be.

Manisha’s professional work is incredibly important, touching on many invasive but often unspoken parts of South Asian culture. A content warning that this section will now discuss childhood sexual assault and stigma around sexual assault. 

Shame is one of the first things that we are culturally taught about when it comes to our bodies, sexuality and sex in general. Like comedian Gauri B, our parents might also have called our vulvas ‘shame shame’. I asked Manisha whether she had any advice on how we can support women in our lives who might have experienced sexual assault in their lifetimes within our shame-laden culture. She expressed that there isn’t a guide for everyone, because “no matter how much our logical brain might believe that we don’t deserve the shame we feel, we can’t help but feel it because it’s an intergenerational cultural response and it’s also the emotional response to trauma. When I come across someone who has experienced SA in childhood or adulthood, I like to remind them that it wasn’t their fault, no matter what.”

As a community made of individual people, we can support women by believing them, reminding them that it wasn’t their fault, and sometimes just sitting with them in the grief and pain that they are experiencing without judgment, with a lot of love, and try to be a human embodiment of a safe place. 

For someone reading this and experiencing the weight of shame, of course we won’t immediately just stop feeling it. But, maybe we can imagine shame/guilt as this unsolicited, unwanted present that we get handed by someone. We don’t have to immediately return it back, just like an actual present. After all, we are conditioned to be polite and accept what’s handed to us. But, we also don’t have to use the present, just because it’s been handed to us. 

What would you love to see South Asian communities embrace to reduce the prevalence and stigma around childhood SA?

I’d love to see South Asian communities first recognise our own biases, judgments, and discomfort (with someone else merely living their lives their own way) to be honest. It’s okay for us to recognise that we’ve grown up with a lot of problematic thinking because that’s been an intergenerational byproduct. Ours is a culture that believes in a sense of community and that’s so powerful to help someone heal from trauma. We cannot heal in isolation and I would love to see South Asian communities fostering open dialogue surrounding the safety of children and the prevalence of childhood sexual assault. I would love to see us breaking the silence and stigma that often shrouds these discussions. I would love to see us prioritising empathy, support, and people-centered approaches, where we can be safe people to each other and people with lived-experience of sexual assault feel heard, believed, and supported to seek help without fear of judgment or reprisal.

What inspired you to get into this important work?

As someone with a lived experience of CSA, it’s the memory of my 15-year-old self that drives me to become the safe person she needed back then. Of course I had a lot of healing to do myself to be able to work with women who carried the weight of their own trauma. I’ve been working with survivors and victims of CSA for about 10 years now, in either therapy or research spaces. And while I believe women deserve the world, it’s the little girls who are often sidelined in the margins that I see in these grown up women I work with. Women of colour have been marginalised enough so if not me, who? Who better to fight this fight than someone who has directly experienced the effects of CSA? If not now, when?

Manisha and I spoke a little more on how parents, educators and community leaders can take greater steps in protecting children and opening up conversations around this topic. Whilst sex education is broadly a taboo topic, starting with the idea of consent can be a great opening piece, Manisha suggested. You need an understanding of what affirmative consent is before knowing or talking about abuse. Age appropriate conversations can be had around what internet safety is, what respectful relationships are, and what consent means in the context of law.

Some other tips Manisha shared is to encourage discussions around what we see in the media – rather than shying away, fast forwarding or awkwardly making tea, talking about what is happening on screen. I think South Asian cultures can be very affectionate, but not openly intimate, which can really skew ideas around what we think is okay or normal in sexual/romantic relationships. Manisha also spoke about asking children how they feel before telling them to hug adults – whether they’re uncles, friends or relatives. Reminding children that they have autonomy over their bodies and can decide what feels right for them. 

Thanks so much Manisha for generously sharing your time and insight, it was lovely getting to know you better!